David+Jones+Apocalyptic+Contingency+Plans

=David Jones Apocalyptic Contingency Plans: A Guide for When It Hits The Fan=

Hello there. If you're here, then the human race has been nearly extinguished and/or eaten by a global apocalyptic event. I say "nearly" because you're apparently still alive. Congratulations! You're probably wondering what my credentials are in the area of survival skills. My education includes one cover to cover reading of //The Zombie Survival Guide// by Max Brooks, a few pages worth of a Boy Scout manual I read when I was seven, //The Empire Strikes Back,// (e.g. the scene where Han cut open the tauntaun and stuffed Luke into to keep him warm) and part of the episode of //Man Vs Wild// where Bear Grylls pees on his shirt and wears it as a bandanna. As you can see, I am more than qualified to instruct you with these fifty orders in case of the end of the world. Enjoy.

Protocol 1:
20 minute power failure- Whine and sulk over loss of Xbox/TV/Internet for the duration of the blackout.

Protocol 2:
40 minute power failure- see above.

Protocol 3:
60 minute power failure- see above.

Protocol 4:
Power failure up to one day- Get angry at DTE, swear a little bit, then repeat Protocol 1.

Protocol 5:
Power failure up to one week- Begin acquiring weapons should looters arrive. Continue sulking over loss of electronics.

Protocol 6:
Power failure up to one month- Okay, now you're mad. I mean, how hard can it be to fix the stupid electricity? Loudly voice your opinions, get in trouble with your parents, get sent to your room, and continue sulking.

Protocol 7:
Giant Monster attack- First, have your friend talk while you move your mouth randomly to make it look like you're from a Japanese monster movie. Good. Next, yell, "It's Godzilla!" and Godzilla should rise up from the nearest large body of water. Godzilla will then proceed to battle the monster, causing several billion dollars of property damage to the metropolitan area. Should Godzilla get knocked out and/or killed, find a Children's Choir and have them sing and cry about Godzilla's death. This should bring him back to life, and he will finish the fight and return to the sea/lake.

Protocol 8:
Attack of the Mole People- Should the subterranean humanoids known as The Mole People climb out of their underground cities to conquer the surface world, remain calm. The Mole People can smell fear, and most other emotions, as compensation for their poor vision caused by underground living. Attempt to travel to the nearest volcano. DO NOT WALK/DRIVE THERE. The Mole people will track you through the vibrations caused on the ground, and they will ambush you. Acquire a boat or plane and travel there. Walk around at the base, and the Mole People will probably try to ambush you, but they will probably drill into the underground magma under the volcano and die. Leave when safe.

Protocol 9:
Attack of The Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams on their Heads- Acquire your Mojo and use the word "Shag" as often as you can. This will deter the sharks from attacking you.

Protocol 10:
In depth explanation.

Protocol 11:
Decepticon Attack- Befriend a Transformer in the guise of a Chevrolet Camaro. This will help you gain the trust and friendship of the Autobots. Lead the Autobots into a heavily populated area for the final battle, and let them duke it out with the Decepticons, robot-to-robot. Be wary of random explosions courtesy of director Michael Bay. After the major battle that devastates the city, make out with your girlfriend or boyfriend on top of your Camaro friend, knowing that you are doing it on top of a sentient, fully conscious being.

Protocol 12:
The internet breaks. FOREVER- React properly, as Michael Scott does: media type="youtube" key="31g0YE61PLQ" height="315" width="560"

Protocol 13:
Global Pandemic- Acquire surgical masks, bottled water, (if the disease is waterborne) and lots of Lysol spray. Stay at home and don't leave unless it's an emergency. Should you need to leave the house, spray Lysol on everyone you meet outside, preferably in the eyes and mouth, in case they cough and/or cry on you.

Protocol 14:
Global Thermon